I do this every year i think, either the end of January or in February. Unfortunately I cannot promise myself I can get back into blogging, I will try as I do enjoy it.
However I am struggling …
I have SAD, I am 28 years old, I earn a minimum wage, I have to commute 2 hours a day for work, I live with my parents. One of which is so stressed and Anxious that on a daily basis I find it harder and harder to tolerate them, no matter how hard I try to support and take the load off of them. The other is an alcohol dependent depressive who no matter how hard we try to support, help and love just gets drunker and more distant. I have an adult brother also in the house who doe’s nothing to contribute to keep things going. I can’t afford to move closer to work as it’s in the commuter belt for London, I cant afford to move anywhere closer to home due to to how much i need to spend on my commute. For the last three years I have failed to find work closer to home.
I have also for the last two months been suffering Heart palpitations and shortness of breath, especially when I hear any of my other family members talking to each other as I an honestly anticipating yet another argument which will end in door slamming. I have psoriasis on my scalp flaring up and down, and have chewed my nails down to stumps. I know how stressed and depressed I am, and short of going to the Dr’s and being put on antidepressants too, which I really do not wish for, I feel so hideously stuck and incapable.
I have no near by friends I can escape too, the most enjoyable part of the day is sitting in my car by myself.
I can honestly say I felt this low was probably when I was a confused fourteen year old trying to find their place in the world. Or potentially when I was at university being stood in a room full of people and still being the outsider looking in.
I stopped with the art at the end of last year and concentrated on my animals as they at least are non judgmental sounding boards that I can too for companionship and joy. I have begun to get back into it now, but there is a staleness there that I need to get over first.
I do have things to share, I have got a half complete video on using ball point pen for drawing, and some part drafted artistic influences posts, along with many little doodles to share. Infact I would suggest heading to my Instagram for an arty overview (also some Cats and Guinea Pigs!)
I shall get there …
But in the summer perhaps.